Monday, August 07, 2006

Rather's Delirium Strikes Another Victim

Al-Reuters, one of the Official Spokes-agencies of Islamic Jihad (TM), has been caught quite literally red-handed. Or that is to say, Al-Reuters has been caught being intellectually and editorially lazy, which has done no small amount of damage to its credibility thanks to a jihadist fool with a camera and Photoshop named Adnan Hajj. And incredibly, Al-Reuters still offers no explanation.

They have lost their grip on reality at Al-Reuters. They are no longer in command of their sensorium. They are another victim of a dread neurosensory disorder that strikes exclusively at the Old Media. Just as our elderly are slowly felled by the long goodbye of Alzheimer's Dementia, the Old Media is slowly losing its place in reality due to its own inexorable, merciless, incurable disease.

That disease is Rather's Delirium. Its progress is insidious but predictable.

The first symptom is gullibility, which afflicts the aspiring journalist while in college. The area of the brain affected has been identified as the Sulci of Franken.

The second symptom is hyperidealism, characterized by the budding reporter's uncontrollable urge to change the world into that which his professor envisioned with just one story. The region of the brain affected is the Foramen of Woodward.

Then third symptom is known as egocentris media. In this stage of illness, the victim becomes delusional, believing that he or she is a lone crusader for the improvement of mankind. The victim firmly believes that since he or she sees a topic as important, the rest of the world must also see it as important. The region of the brain affected at this stage is the Sphincter of Couric.

The fourth stage of this irreversible disease is apneditorialism. This stage is characterized by the complete loss of editorial function. By this stage, the victim will pass anything placed in front of him/her to their audience as pure, hard fact. This stage affects the region of the brain called Cerebellum Reuterii.

The end stage of the disease is the point classically known as Rather's Delirium. All semblance of reality has been lost by this point, and the victim will begin to construct his/her own reality and fabricate props that support his/her delusions, agressively sharing them with everyone within broadcast range. Sadly, when confronted with the object's true identity, the victim will begin to chant repeatedly a distorted defense of his/her delusions. The area of the brain affected is the Hemisphere of Mapes

In a case study performed by L.G. Football (2004), 1,000 journalists affected with End-Stage Rather's Delirium had a bowl of fresh-cut hyacinths placed in front of them and were told that it was a recording of Karl Rove instructing the President to say "nuke-yuh-ler" as a means of throwing off his detracters. The journalists immediately became agitated and expressed the uncontrollable compulsion to break in on Oprah to broadcast the story. In a control group, the same bowl of hyacinths was placed in front of 1,000 bloggers who were then provided with identical Karl Rove-centered stimuli. Significantly, every one of the bloggers replied, "What the hell is wrong with you? Those are hyacinths, you dolt!"

Sadly, when the affected journalists were informed of the true character of the control object, they began screaming, "They are Hyacinths, but they are Karl Rove! Hyacinths but Karl Rove!" One sad case is still roaming the countryside stopping any who will listen, grabbing the poor fellow by the collar and shoving his face into a bowl of hyacinths while screaming, "See!? They're hyacinths, but they're Karl Rove!

Yes, Rather's Delirium continues to claim thousands of formerly sharp and socially-productive minds. There is no cure but prevention.